Simply put, I’ve gone viral.
—
When Shi Yi found out about this, she was vacationing on a cruise ship in the Maldives.
Having finally scored a few days of vacation, she was lounging in a beach chair with drinks and fruit right at her fingertips. The September sun shining on her snow-white skin was neither too hot nor too cold—it was just right, making her feel content and drowsy.
Right at that moment, her phone began chiming relentlessly with notifications.
Shi Yi yawned, reaching over to grab her phone. “What’s up?”
Her plastic best friend’s voice dripped with jealousy. “Sister, you’ve gone viral.”
The lounging girl didn’t care much, reaching for a piece of fruit. “What do you mean?”
Plastic best friend: “I said you’re viral! Girl, I am so jealous of you… Did you use to date Gu Zhan?”
Shi Yi’s sleepiness was instantly jolted away. Gu Zhan—she really did know him.
Gu Zhan was the entertainment industry’s most explosive fried chicken1. If the total popularity of all male celebrities in the industry was ten points, he’d hog eight of them all to himself.
No special reason. He just had a great face.
When a face looks that good, it truly becomes a weapon. Gu Zhan had been handsome since childhood, with picturesque features as clear and bright as the moon. A single look back, a sidelong glance, a raised eyebrow—every movement was a scenic painting. Though, this was strictly limited to when he kept his mouth shut.
The general public was simply bewitched by his looks.
Shi Yi hadn’t been able to withstand the temptation of the boy in the white shirt either. When Gu Zhan was sixteen, Shi Yi took decisive action and made her move.
…Even though she was also the one who initiated the breakup later on.
Could she say this out loud?
Absolutely not. Gu Zhan had so many fans now, and she had zero desire to test just how much rationality those fans possessed.
Shi Yi ate a piece of pineapple and laughed without batting an eye. “Where are you getting this fake news? Never dated him.”
“Bah!”
Her friend hit the nail on the head with that ‘bah,’ sounding incredibly sour. “The internet has already dug up everything there is to dig, and you’re still playing dumb! My Male God even wrote you love poems! You scumbag woman!”
“You must have felt up my Male God’s abs plenty of times, didn’t you?”
Shi Yi: “…????”
What does she mean, everything was dug up??
She did a salted fish flip, sat up from her beach chair, pulled her laptop over, and clicked into Weibo.
Sure enough, the number one trending topic was about Gu Zhan’s love life.
The cause of this whole incident was a dating variety show.
Sweet Critical Hit was a live-broadcast variety show. This show was incredibly bold. The whole point of dating shows was to watch the male and female guests act all sweet and lovey-dovey to awaken the viewers’ inner maiden hearts. Normally, they were pre-recorded, relying on editing and special effects to achieve that vibe.
Yet, this show opted for a live broadcast.
A live broadcast meant exactly how the male and female guests behaved was there for everyone to see. Which guest could act perfectly without a single flaw? Did they think everyone in the industry was an Oscar-winning Best Actor?
Unsurprisingly, when the first episode aired, the couples were either visibly awkward and fake, or they overacted and came off super greasy, drawing widespread mockery from the masses.
But the most important part was Gu Zhan…
Honestly, Shi Yi thought the production team was brave enough for doing a live broadcast, but they actually went and invited Gu Zhan to save the ratings for two episodes.
Out of everyone they could have asked to save the show, why ask Gu Zhan?
Aside from that face, Gu Zhan was completely incompatible with a dating variety show.
Since it was a dating show, you should at least treat your partner a little nicely, right?
Regardless of the actual outcome, the other male guests at least tried their best to be nice to their partners. However, the young lady paired with Gu Zhan went from blushing shyness to a total deadpan expression in the short span of just three hours.
Whenever the camera cut to Gu Zhan, the barrage of live comments would fill up with things like [“…”], [Brothers, watch out! Gu Zhan is about to speak again], […Who am I, where am I, what am I watching?], [Am I dreaming?], [What kind of show is this anyway?], and [I’m dead, don’t try to save me].
Shi Yi didn’t know if the production team was having a mental breakdown, but the female guest and the audience certainly looked like they were.
Female guest: Hold it in, you can’t hit people. Fans: Help! Even though Gege is so handsome he glows, I’m genuinely worried he won’t be able to find a girlfriend even when he’s eighty!! Audience: Gu Zhan? Oh I know him, that destined eternal single dog!
“…”
The internet was filled with netizens’ worries over Gu Zhan. Sigh, even though he was handsome, he was simply destined to be single.
The love poem incident suddenly occurred right around this time.
During this episode, Wen Xin accidentally broke Gu Zhan’s picture frame, and a poem fell out from the back of it.
It was a pretty ordinary poem, so no one really paid attention at first. Wen Xin apologized and casually asked if he wrote it.
Unexpectedly, Gu Zhan actually looked a bit dazed and admitted that he wrote it when he was a teenager.
“…”
The fans immediately got interested. Gu Zhan actually wrote it?!
Wasn’t Gu Zhan a typical science student? There were several times on variety shows where he lost tragically at poetry-related games… Could it be that he wrote too much in the past, so now he hates it?
The fans speculated with great interest. After analyzing it over and over, one fan discovered a clue. By extracting a specific column from the poem, it formed a sentence: “Xixi is Gu Zhan’s baby.”
—This was a fucking acrostic poem!!
???
All the fans went crazy.
What do you mean, an acrostic poem?! What do you mean, Xixi is Gu Zhan’s baby! Ahhh, I don’t believe it! How could someone as painfully blunt as Gu Zhan have a girlfriend! And he even writes love poems for her?!
You guys must be lying to me—
And then, heart-wrenching wails: Who is Xixi?! Which little goblin seduced my Male God?!!! Everyone, investigate!!
“…”
Shi Yi looked at the screen full of comments demanding Xixi to come out and fight one-on-one, and her vision went dark.
Grass! (a type of plant)2.
Translator’s note:
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